Do you ever even think of me?

This week a friend of mine on social media shared this article: 
People revealed the question that they would ask that one person who really broke their heart. It caused me a day (and a bit more, occupational hazard of being ill and off work) of deep reflection.
It's been a little over 3 months since the process of my heart being broken started, almost 3 months since it was, well, shattered, and now, I guess, I'm in the long process of it being mended. I feel like I'm in a weird interim stage now, I'm over the initial pain, I don't want him back, there are certain parts of my life I'm happy with, but I haven't achieved the total knowledge of being over everything that happened. There's still a dull ache in my heart when I think about the whole journey I had to go through to even get to where I am now.
So, what would I ask him?

The story:

He found someone else when he was away for the summer, so when we eventually did break up, it felt like all the pain was mine, as he already had someone new and exciting for his attention. I felt like I was the old rag he was chucking away.
In the weeks that followed the break up I really struggled, and I thought of him, and our relationship daily, and I would just want to know - does he ever think of me? Does he ever think of us and the two years we spent together? Or is he so enamoured with the new life he's made for himself that it never even crosses his mind?
Maybe 2 months ago I still had millions of questions through my mind that I would want to ask him, but now I think they've mostly all whittled down to that one. Are the memories of us worth anything to you or are you too busy creating new ones that they've all been discarded, like I was?

What would you ask?

Something a bit different: The art of being confused

Picture credit: Pinterest

So I'm trying something a bit different this week, as I've really been struggling to do something new and exciting every week (I'm sure you haven't been able to tell with the direction my posts have been taking) and I don't want to keep slacking off until I end up not writing any posts at all.
So, I'm still going to challenge myself to do something new, just maybe only once or twice a month, but I still want to really dedicate myself to this blog, so I'm going to expand out with my posts, and just take it as it comes. I don't think it will ever fit into a specific genre, but when does anything really fit completely into a label? Good metaphor for life there guys - don't let anyone box you into a category. This is going to be a little bit of everything now.

So, without further ado, here is my first post of 'something different' - about being confused.

I'm beginning to realise that the age of 22 should be the year of complete and utter confusion. I'm not even quite at that age yet, I'm flailing in between the 'being a bit tired of being 21 now' and 'no 22 is such a dead end of an age,' but I'm already struggling with the confused part. 
Earlier this year I was so excited for this year, I kind of thought that any confusion would be out of my life, just gone, because I knew where I was going. Not what I wanted to do, true, but I knew I would have my boy and our life together, and I had no confusion about that.

However, it obviously turned out that he did, and the backlash of this has plunged me deep in the confusion pool, and I haven't always been the most gracious about it. But maybe this is okay. Maybe it's where I'm meant to be. Taylor Swift even writes the lines "we're happy, free, confused and lonely, at the same time," and "in the best way," about feeling 22, and that whole song for me is about embracing that exact feeling. Embracing everything you could be doing, and everything you could be feeling. 
For me, that's part of the problem, there is just so much that I could be doing, so many choices, decisions and options. I've never been the best at making decisions. That's a bit of an understatement actually. When I thought my decision was mapped out for me I fell into that comforting feeling, I jumped at the chance that I wouldn't have to make that big of a decision again, who wouldn't?

But now is a chance for me to think for myself again. Flail willingly and stupidly and repeatedly into this confusion. 22 is the age of trying every single option until you find the right one for you. Living in 5 different cities, working every different job there is, dating a different guy each month, and not for a moment ever feeling guilty for not knowing what you want. 

A lot of 22 year olds, myself included, will have just left full time education. University was a taste of adult life and freedom, sure, but it was like those taster science lessons at school where they would show you all the things you could blow up on your desk, or burn to a crisp with a Bunsen Burner, while when you actually got started you would just be copying out lists of food groups and safety rules. Sort of like taxes. Education, even if you hate to admit it, is like a parent. Comforting, secure and maybe a bit smothering, but always there to hold your hand. Now it's just shoved you out on a tightrope with a yelled "Good luck!" that you can't quite hear for the wind trying to dash you to the ground. 

So this is me saying that I'm going to do everything I possibly can to stay on that tightrope, and I'm going to have massive doubts, and regrets, and I'm going to make the wrong choices, and I'm going to do things wrong, but that's okay. I am here in this world to be confused, at least for right now.

I'm going to end with a quote from Shanelle Kaul: (she writes another 9 reasons about how great being 22 is here) 

"22 is basically the only age you can use as leverage. Meaning that because it's the exact age between life-as-you-know-it and what will later be known as 'real life' (that's scientifically proven, of course), people expect you to make some mistakes. Mistakes like overcooking a pot-roast or dating someone who may not be right for you. And that's okay, because heck, you're just 22."

Step 6: Autumnal meal and walk

This week was quite a slow week for me, I was working long hours and am depressingly poor until payday at the end of this week, and where I live it's hard to find anything to do when you don't have much time as it takes a long time to get anywhere interesting! So this week are some more very small steps.

1. 

The first thing I did (technically last week actually) was venture out to make s new meal! My mother and I had some friends coming round - a family of 4 - and it turned out the younger sister was a recent vegan, and knowing this, I immediately headed for 'Deliciously Ella!' I immediately found an easyish looking recipe (I was cooking for 6 people, I didn't want to challenge myself too much!) of Mushroom and Chickpea stew (recipe linked here). I didn't take too many pictures of the process as I ended up being in a bit of a rush (story of my life) but I swear I have never chopped so many mushrooms in my life! There were piles and piles all over the kitchen surfaces, along with a load of chopped carrots.

It looks a bit ugly in the pictures but I swear it was really nice! Not too complicated as it just requires a lot of boiling down (I didn't quite do this stage enough, so it ended up being a bit too much liquid). The chilli powder in it actually adds more of a kick than you'd think so be a bit aware if you have family members (like my mum) who struggle with even the slightest hint of heat in a dish.

2. 

My second step of this week was actually getting myself out of the house on my day off (I have a tendency to sit in my pyjamas being a lazy lump) and going for a nice autumnal walk! It was really sunny yesterday, with a nice kick in the air, and I suppose I can admit that living in the countryside does have its benefits. 

It gave me the perfect opportunity to be alone with my own thoughts for a while (doesn't happen much where I live and work), listen to a bit of Taylor Swift (no shame, her album 'Red' is my go to for all emotions, but most of all when I'm feeling pensive) and maybe take a few cheeky selfies.

A lot of the trees aren't properly turning here yet, so not all of the colours are out in full force, but it was still really beautiful, and made me appreciate how nice and important time by myself is. Although I don't mind my job that much, it requires a constant ability to talk to people and being perennially cheerful, and I love my mum, but she often gets the brunt of the bad mood that comes upon me after 8 hours of this! This isn't fair on her, or on me, so I think I need to set aside time everyday to just come to terms with myself.

Adventure 5: I did a photoshoot!

On Saturday I got the chance to be a model for a photography friend in my village (his website is linked here) and it was so exciting and exhilarating! I have never been super happy with my body especially, or the way I look, so it was a big confidence booster as well as being really fun.

At first I was really nervous, as he showed me pictures of different poses that we were going to try - there's a lot more that goes into posing for a photo than I ever imagined! Everytime I see advertising campaigns now I notice different things that he had explained. I got to get my make up done which was really cool for me as I really love makeup, and I'm really interested in it. The makeup artist was really lovely, although her English wasn't amazing, as I would have loved her to be able to explain all the different products she was using. My eyes popped out of my head when I saw all the makeup! 

This was the first look, and I had been asked to bring an 'edgy everyday outfit,' so I was wearing  Topshop Jamie ripped black jeans, a New Look cold shoulder crop top, heeled boots from George at Asda, and my H&M leather jacket. They curled the very front bit of my hair, and I think the makeup looks a lot scarier in my selfie, as it's makeup constructed to look good on a big proper camera.

There was a whole big set up of lights and now I understand what that little clicky thing they do in front of someone's face is (it measures the light) and we did a few poses. These are the only pictures that have been released so far, but Simon, the photographer, said that I was a natural. 

There was another model there too who had done proper modelling lots of times before, so her big suitcase of fancy modelling clothes threw me off a bit and was very intimidating! For a few minutes I felt like a little kid playing dress up, as she whipped out her 1970s Dior dress, and obviously she's better at modelling than me, but I shouldn't compare us, obviously, as this was my first ever try, and I did really enjoy it! My mum said my experience on stage might have helped with my posing, but being on stage never crossed my mind when I was doing it, I just followed directions... although I guess that is like being on stage!

 

The next look we did (I didn't have loads of time as I had to run off and get a train) was more glam, Aline (the makeup artist) did a really dark smokey eye and red lipstick, and I wore a bodycon dress with cut outs at the side. (not that you can see in this picture) This one I found harder as I was worrying more about whether I looked fat (I know it's stupid, I can't help it) but the pictures so far I think look amazing! This experience was definitely pushing me out of my comfort zone, and Simon has said he would love to work with me again, which is really exciting, although I'm definitely going to work out a bit more this week... 
I'm so glad I had to courage to go through with this, and although I got slightly intimidated by the other model (her pictures are INCREDIBLE, to be fair) I think I did really well for my first go at it, considering I never ever thought I would ever get to model for anything!
I think this is a pretty exciting adventure! 

Photography credit: Simon Blower

Step 4: I went on a date

I guess this week, is kind of a big step. For me anyway, as I've been on very few official 'dates.' In the past, mostly, I've been involved with someone before we eventually go on a date. 

I think that's reasonably common at University, and at school I guess, you mostly already know the people around you, it's a pleasant little bubble of easily meeting people and new involvements. At the beginning of this year, even a few months ago, I didn't mind that I was leaving this bubble, because I had the love of my life and so why would it matter if I was leaving? I would never need to meet anyone again. So that didn't work so well for me, and I've been feeling extremely lost as I was suddenly thrown out of all of my protective bubbles - hence the inspiration behind this blog! 

Anyway, off topic - as you all (hopefully) know, my first post was about 'Tinder,' as much as I don't like to admit it, more and more people are meeting online now, and in that post I said it wasn't really for me, but right before I deleted the app a guy started talking to me, and we moved to Whatsapp (which seemed a bit less seedy). He was nice, sweet, cute, and we talked really easily, and on Saturday we went on a date. 

I was terrified. I was also slightly hungover, but that's not the point. We'd agreed a place to meet, and I was slightly earlier than he was, and when he arrived it was the hilarious scenario of us both knowing that we were in the same area, walking circuits around as we'd never actually met each before. If I was more comically inclined it could have been gold. Eventually we found each other, and we went to a very typical Oxford pub and had a couple of drinks, and if I'm being totally honest, the first hour, I was counting down to a time where I could feasibly say I had to go. That sounds really mean. Just in that moment I realised I was absolutely not ready for this, and there was no immediate spark for me. But after a while, I really relaxed, and it was a truly lovely date. We never ran out of stuff to say to each other, and he was interesting and a nice guy, and it would have ticked all the boxes of what you ask for from a date. He kissed me at the bus stop, and everything was comfortable, and pretty normal.

But I don't think I'm ready. I'm not ready for a lot of things. But I'm glad I went, if only that it showed me that I'm not ready, and I should wait for something amazing again, and wait til I know I'm in the right place in myself to commit to it. Right now, I need to rediscover myself, because otherwise I'll just be grasping at something for validation, and I really need to learn to validate myself.

I guess, some steps might be steps backwards, but they still always teach you something. 

Adventure 3: "The Only Thing Better Than Hairspray...."

In the task of being completely honest with this blog (and youuu) I really struggled this week! Not just with doing something new (although with crazy hours at work this is really hard!) but also just with my emotions. No matter how many people tell you that he's not worth crying about, sometimes you just need to cry anyway.

I was really worried about what I would write on (hence the slightly late post - apologies) but my friend accidentally came to my rescue and invited me last minute to see.... Hairspray! The national tour is where I live at the moment and she had a spare ticket! As she messaged me 5 minutes before she had to pick me up, it was an entirely spontaneous decision on my part, and I'm not going to lie, I'm quite proud of myself, for making the decision in the first place, and for choosing the more exciting option. There was a part of me that really wanted to stay at home in my pyjamas after being at work, but I didn't - and that must be some sort of step for me.

What I Thought:

• I'm a massive fan of the film so I found I was anticipating a lot of things before they were happening and was kind of subconciously comparing it at all times, which isn't really fair considering a show and a film are going to be completely different.
• I think there were a few problems with the set as it was opening night in this location, but they managed to smooth them out by the second act.
• The energy for me was the main thing! All the numbers and dances and just the characters themselves (as some of them are pretty ridiculous) required insane amounts of energy and I think this was something definitely achieved, by the final number (You Can't Stop the Beat) I was feeling that I really wanted to just be on stage dancing away. Unfortunately, I can't dance...
• Some of the 'white' characters (this being a show about segregation/integration) I found actually worked better in the film? This might just be me but some of the characters are really quite weird (such as Penny Pingleton and her mother) and I felt quite uncomfortable with some of their interactions on stage, rather than amused. Especially in the song Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now which is not included in the film, and which was one of the numbers I didn't particularly enjoy.
• Standout songs: 
• You're Timeless to Me (Edna and Wilbur Turnblad) their interactions were so adorable and they played their parts wonderfully, especially in this scene. Despite Edna obviously being an overly theatrical part, this scene was delightfully played down in my opinion, which made it a lot more charming to see.
• I Know Where I've Been (Motormouth Maybelle) Oh. My. Goodness. Brenda Edwards can you sing!!! This was pure vocal heaven, with all the emotion behind it, and I don't even want to go into it. Just know, it was amazing, and I almost cried at the intensity.
• You Can't Stop the Beat (Everyone!) Already one of my favourites, the energy of this one just brought down the house as the entire cast managed to dance to the whole thing (they must have been exhausted by this point!) and even got the audience involved as well, which lets not lie... we secretly all wanted to just be a part of it! 
• Standout character: Seaweed (Dex Lee). Just all around great and convincing at everything, charming and also...crazily muscled legs! 

I definitely enjoyed the second act more than the first (all of my favourite musical numbers being from this act) and I can't exactly pinpoint why, I think maybe there was just too much crammed into the first act (which is obviously no fault of this particular company) and some bits I found excruciatingly awkward. Overall though, a wonderful evening, and I'm really glad I took the plunge and went so spontaneously! 

‘Adventure’ Step 2:

So, this week wasn't as much of an 'adventure' (that will be my task for next week, so I have something to aim for!) as I went back to work, and it was just a step for me to get into a normal routine of this life I now have to live. I'd like to think, even though it wasn't a big one, I did make a step this week, and I've decided on 5 things I did this week that have helped me towards it.

• I wrote a cover letter by myself, and completed a job application!

This might not be a big deal to many of you, and I'm sure one day, it won't be a big deal to me either, it will just be something that I do. Maybe daily. (Lets hope not daily) But this week, for me, this is a definite step. For the first time I wrote a cover letter without making my (ex) boyfriend write a lot of it for me, I didn't constantly refer back to Guardian tips on writing effectively, and I wrote it all in one go. Okay, that last one is a lie, it may have taken me a few days, but the first two have to count for something! Things just sound better in threes...

• I baked! 

I have always wanted to be one of those girls who can just bake anything effortlessly, and just whips out perfectly fluffy and beautifully decorated cupcakes at any occasion, and to be brutally honest...it's something I really need to work on! I don't think I'm a natural baker, but I think a lot of this stems from my unbelief in myself (and my unwillingness to do it in front of other people, in case I go wrong). This week, I found a recipe that didn't require me to go shopping (no butter or eggs recipe!) and they turned out amazing! The icing needed more work but hey, one step at a time. Recipe HERE.

• I went to a Boxercise class (and literally, figuratively died.)

I have wanted to try boxing for exercise for months, and have never got round to it. There was a class really near where I live, so I decided to give it a go. I wore someone else's really smelly (like, really. Stale sweat smell is not the one) gloves, I did some boxing stances (I may suck at them right now, but I have faith that I will get there) and there was a lot of cardio (hence the dying). There was constant running, punching, situps, skipping and planking for almost an hour, and it was brutal, but when it was over, I felt amazing. I had muddled and forced my way through something really hard, which means I can do it again, and means if I'm determined, I can get through anything. (That's what I'm going to tell myself anyway.

• I had a pamper session.

This is something I very rarely make time for, being of the mind that if I have time to have a bath, I should be doing something else, but on Friday I woke up so unbelievably exhausted and mentally drained, that it was truly necessary. I had a Lush Bath Ballistic, a face mask, a good book, good music, I cleansed my face, had bubbles, and a lovely relax. Something I need to make more time for is just, time for myself. I don't always have to 'on,' even though it helps me forget how I'm feeling, sometimes it's important to just let yourself feel those feelings. Believe me, they flipping hurt, but they're going to hurt at some point, I have to work on not pushing them down so much that they almost explode. It's okay to have a cry, and it's okay to look after yourself.

• I cut off contact with my ex.

This was my biggest struggle of the week. Although I technically cut off contact the day after we broke up, I still had the (now unnamed) number in my recently called, and I knew that. So at the beginning of this week, I had broken, and I had texted him, and we were talking a bit. And I thought that was what I wanted. But it wasn't. You can never tell what something means to another person, and I realised that what was happening meant a lot more to me than it did to him, and it meant something in a different way. While I was getting my hopes up, to him we were just friends, something which I am not ready for, and something that I don't think I'm in the state to deal with now, I'm not in that place. So after a big conversation/argument, I did it. I deleted every single remnant of him on my phone, and it was so hard. I left a voicemail explaining how I felt, but I don't think you ever manage to say everything you want to. There is probably a lot more I could say to him, but that doesn't mean I should. Maybe it's always the case that there are words left unsaid, and words that are left that way for a reason. This is a massive step for me, as I struggle with letting things go, even things that are causing me pain, and although I still think of him a lot, I think I'm beginning to move forward.

This week may not seem as exciting, but I think any step is progress! Up that mountain we go!

Also if you want to see the list I have haphazardly put together of things I'm going do, check out the new page over there -----> (called 'The List.')

'Adventure' 1: Tinder

So, at some point last year, a few of my friends and I downloaded Tinder as a joke, to have a competition of who could get the most matches (my friend won only as another friend stole her phone and 'swiped right' on every guy in a 50 mile radius), we had a few laughs, mostly all deleted it, and didn't really think of it again.

But it was actually one of my first thoughts, as I began to adjust to being single. (*Ahem* - still not adjusted).

Something that I really miss about being in a relationship is having someone to talk to all the time - someone to tell about the random things that happen one evening, and just know that you can go on your phone and text any time of the day. So I decided to redownload Tinder.

After a few failed attempts, with the app refusing to let me log in (why do you have to log in with Facebook? I don't want to know if some guy knows someone I barely knew when I was 16?), I finally got it to work. I've been using it now for a total of 5 days. Below are my first impressions, and occurrences.

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1) Only one creepy guy from the offset ('Nice glowsticks ;)' referring to a picture where I had glowsticks in my top) and whom which I ignored. I was pleasantly surprised by the effort many guys put into their opening lines.

2) This dissipated quickly, as guys who appeared to be genuinely interested lost this interest if you didn't mention sex from the off, and suddenly interrupted a nice, amicable conversation with the wish of "wanting to f*** you."  

3) It's effective for a quick self-esteem boost.

4) It's reeeeeally hard not to be shallow. I attempted not to be when swiping, I clicked on each person's profile, studied each picture, read the bio, and tried to swipe right on a variety of people. However, as soon as I was matched with absolutely all of them, I seriously lost interest (I know, I'm a hypocrite) as I just couldn't pretend I found them attractive.

5) I muddled my way through chatting with the most hipster guy I have ever spoken to in my life, and had to google several of the things he mentioned in order not to sound completely stupid. However, I'm still suspicious at least one of those things was invented in order to catch me out. I'm not designed to be hipster. I just can't take it seriously. Nor can I blag my way through anything.

6) Also, I just don't have the banter for this. Honestly, in my bio it says "I'm not funny enough for this," and they all took it as a charming joke, and I was going to knock their socks off with my hilarious wit, but I was being totally, utterly honest. The only time I'm funny is when I say something accidentally, or when I say something really, really stupid. I can't banter. Note to anyone considering Tinder - work on banter skills.

7) The shallowness of it hit me again, as I got considerably less matches as soon as I removed a picture of me with visible cleavage, and replaced it with a happy picture of me and my friends on a beach. What's wrong with the beach, huh??

8) To be honest...It just isn't fulfilling what I want it to. It's probably too soon, but I'm already insufferably bored by it. Replying to the messages has become a chore, none of the conversations are flowing particularly, and despite several invites to drinks, coffee, and 'more', I am in no way tempted by any of them. One guy I feel slightly sorry for, I think I may be his only match and I don't mean to hurt his feelings by not replying to his offer of a drink. I just can't think of a witty excuse. Honestly though, it's not you, it's me. 

In conclusion, I think this was a bad one to start with! I'm not ready, and even if I was, I think I'd choose a different medium of meeting someone. I guess I'm a tad old-fashioned?

See you next week!