Adventure 9: Learning to play pool!

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Hello guys - so sorry, about the lack of posting last week, I had the unfortunate combination of being ill and having to work a lot, so this commitment kind of fell behind! But I did technically do a new thing this week so I hope you are all proud.

This week, I was one of those people. I went on a 'learn how to play pool' date - like Serena and Dan in Gossip Girl. Ahahahaha LOL except I don't look like Blake Lively......

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I also would love to be that girl who pretends to be awful so the boy will teach her and then turns around and is actually already amazing. But I'm not, I'm actually just awful!

As a date idea though, it's pretty cute, and I had a lot of fun. Pool is apparently all about angles, and hitting the balls at the right angles (no immature sniggers at the back please), and I was never a natural at maths so it's not my strong point... I kept positioning myself in the right position (seriously why are there so many innuendos involved in playing pool?) to hit the ball right, but not the cue, so everything kept being slightly wrong. So I wasn't necessarily awful, I just wasn't the best. 

The rules are simple enough to understand, just after watching my boy and his friends play pool, I can't imagine ever being good enough! Even by the end of the night it was taking me about 5 minutes to take the time to decide my position and what angle to attempt (and miss) to hit the ball, while they've done all the work and potted it in about 20 seconds. Some of them might have been flukes but they're flipping stylish flukes, while I'm that person clomping along in shoes way too big for me.

However, even if you don't get any better at the actual playing of pool, the boy will probably have a great time watching you bend over the pool table, and you can take great advantage of this. Silver lining, always a silver lining.

Do you ever even think of me?

This week a friend of mine on social media shared this article: 
People revealed the question that they would ask that one person who really broke their heart. It caused me a day (and a bit more, occupational hazard of being ill and off work) of deep reflection.
It's been a little over 3 months since the process of my heart being broken started, almost 3 months since it was, well, shattered, and now, I guess, I'm in the long process of it being mended. I feel like I'm in a weird interim stage now, I'm over the initial pain, I don't want him back, there are certain parts of my life I'm happy with, but I haven't achieved the total knowledge of being over everything that happened. There's still a dull ache in my heart when I think about the whole journey I had to go through to even get to where I am now.
So, what would I ask him?

The story:

He found someone else when he was away for the summer, so when we eventually did break up, it felt like all the pain was mine, as he already had someone new and exciting for his attention. I felt like I was the old rag he was chucking away.
In the weeks that followed the break up I really struggled, and I thought of him, and our relationship daily, and I would just want to know - does he ever think of me? Does he ever think of us and the two years we spent together? Or is he so enamoured with the new life he's made for himself that it never even crosses his mind?
Maybe 2 months ago I still had millions of questions through my mind that I would want to ask him, but now I think they've mostly all whittled down to that one. Are the memories of us worth anything to you or are you too busy creating new ones that they've all been discarded, like I was?

What would you ask?

Step 8: Solo Cinema Date & An Attempt at a Review

Ok I really suck at the doing new and exciting things, thing. I'm a bit of a scaredy-cat and I work too much, so that on my days off all I want to do is curl up on the sofa and eat lots of chocolate watching TV shows I've seen many times before.

This week, however, I did go to the cinema by myself! I love going to the cinema, especially with my mum (not only because she buys the tickets for me) and yet its a bit of a confusing notion as to why it is seen as such a social atmosphere. You literally sit in silence with some other people, and yet I think knowing that everyone else there is seeing and feeling what you're feeling makes it more exciting. Nevertheless, I wanted to go by myself, as it really shouldn't be a big deal. 

I went to see the film 'Suffragette' with Carey Mulligan and Helena Bonham Carter. I'd heard some good reviews and I love Carey Mulligan already, and I remember loving studying the suffragette movement at school. This film does not disappoint. 

*Spoilers ahead*

Maud Watts is a laundry worker in 1912, quiet and obedient, keeping her head down in all aspects of her life, when she gets caught up in a  violent suffragette demonstration, recognising Violet Miller from her workplace, who the next day invites her to join them. Maud at first resists but ends up, almost accidentally, giving a statement at Parliament to David Lloyd George, the first time that she has given herself the chance to voice her own opinion. From there her seemingly accidental involvement snowballs, as she gets arrested for the reaction after women are denied a change to their voting rights, and when her husband, Sonny, bans her from further involvement, you see her independence grow. After Sonny kicks her out of their house after another arrest she becomes a pioneer in the movement, becoming involved with posting letter bombs and blowing up Lloyd George's summer house, rebelling against her supervisor after years of silently enduring his lechery, going through hunger strike in prison, and finally, attending the Derby with Emily Davison and witnessing her death, a famous event of the suffragette movement. 

Picture found here

It is after this event that the film draws to a close, leaving me slightly lost as I was waiting for a true ending, but as I read in s review the following day, that is the entire point. There is no true ending to such a cause. Women may have eventually got the vote but their fight for complete equality still continues, as emphasised by the list of countries and when they granted women voting rights which scroll over the screen at the conclusion of the film. The ongoing fight is clear to see, as there are still countries yet to grant them (examples) and Saudi Arabia only made steps towards it this year.

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Carey Mulligan is an amazing actress. Following such a famous story through her eyes gives an entirely new meaning to it. I remember studying the women's suffrage movement in history lessons at school, and  I could probably still dredge up all the facts about it, but seeing it done in such a personal and heart wrenching way is amazing. A particular heart wrenching part is Maud's relationship with her son, her love for him st odds with her growing belief in the movements as her husband bans her from seeing him. When she manages to steal time with him the scenes are truly beautiful, their pure relationship shining through the screen, and a heart breaking scene is when Sonny reveals that he has put their son, Georgie, up for adoption, and Maud realises how much she is fighting for, as her lack of rights means she cannot fight this. As she screams and curses Sonny there is a moment where they almost come back together, overwhelmed with grief, but Maud breaks away, and you don't see Sonny again, showing that she knows completely she cannot go back to any part of her old life. 

Another heart breaking scene that was actually really really hard to watch was Maud getting force fed to end her hunger strike in prison, by a tube in her nose. I think a reason that this is so hard to watch is that this actually happened to these women. As they tried to fight for what they believed in, people reduced their efforts by taking away even more of their rights, putting a tube in their nose and forcing them to receive food. The scene made me feel a little bit sick, but it was so important. 

A part of this film that needs to be especially mentioned is the cinematography, done by Edu Grau. A particular moment I noticed it was when Maud and some other women are running from the police, and the way they have worked the camera makes you feel as if you are running with them. It shakes and bumps along with them and it feels so beautifully raw and real, it is not a film that shys away from showing the pain. The way they have orchestrated this film by following Maud into the movement, increases the audience's sense of involvement in the story. Maud begins the story never having really considered that women would ever get the vote, and not allowing herself to think about what the right would do for her, and the film shows her enlightenment into seeing the possibility and believing it. 
It is easy to feel, living in England in 2015, that the suffragette movement is far away from us, but this film reminds us why it was a real battle, and why it is still going, and Maud's personal journey can be mirrored in many women and girls in the present that have never considered what feminism can do for them. But just like Maud, we don't always have to just keep our heads down and endure.

A final thing worth mentioning about this film is the sheer number of women involved in the making of it. Obviously the actresses themselves are amazing in what they do, but this is a film written by, directed by and produced by women, and that is an amazing thing to see!

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I've never written a film review before so I hope this was OK! I feel there is probably so much more I could write about, but isn't that always the way, there's always more to be said or done, it's just knowing where to stop for now.

Something a bit different: The art of being confused

Picture credit: Pinterest

So I'm trying something a bit different this week, as I've really been struggling to do something new and exciting every week (I'm sure you haven't been able to tell with the direction my posts have been taking) and I don't want to keep slacking off until I end up not writing any posts at all.
So, I'm still going to challenge myself to do something new, just maybe only once or twice a month, but I still want to really dedicate myself to this blog, so I'm going to expand out with my posts, and just take it as it comes. I don't think it will ever fit into a specific genre, but when does anything really fit completely into a label? Good metaphor for life there guys - don't let anyone box you into a category. This is going to be a little bit of everything now.

So, without further ado, here is my first post of 'something different' - about being confused.

I'm beginning to realise that the age of 22 should be the year of complete and utter confusion. I'm not even quite at that age yet, I'm flailing in between the 'being a bit tired of being 21 now' and 'no 22 is such a dead end of an age,' but I'm already struggling with the confused part. 
Earlier this year I was so excited for this year, I kind of thought that any confusion would be out of my life, just gone, because I knew where I was going. Not what I wanted to do, true, but I knew I would have my boy and our life together, and I had no confusion about that.

However, it obviously turned out that he did, and the backlash of this has plunged me deep in the confusion pool, and I haven't always been the most gracious about it. But maybe this is okay. Maybe it's where I'm meant to be. Taylor Swift even writes the lines "we're happy, free, confused and lonely, at the same time," and "in the best way," about feeling 22, and that whole song for me is about embracing that exact feeling. Embracing everything you could be doing, and everything you could be feeling. 
For me, that's part of the problem, there is just so much that I could be doing, so many choices, decisions and options. I've never been the best at making decisions. That's a bit of an understatement actually. When I thought my decision was mapped out for me I fell into that comforting feeling, I jumped at the chance that I wouldn't have to make that big of a decision again, who wouldn't?

But now is a chance for me to think for myself again. Flail willingly and stupidly and repeatedly into this confusion. 22 is the age of trying every single option until you find the right one for you. Living in 5 different cities, working every different job there is, dating a different guy each month, and not for a moment ever feeling guilty for not knowing what you want. 

A lot of 22 year olds, myself included, will have just left full time education. University was a taste of adult life and freedom, sure, but it was like those taster science lessons at school where they would show you all the things you could blow up on your desk, or burn to a crisp with a Bunsen Burner, while when you actually got started you would just be copying out lists of food groups and safety rules. Sort of like taxes. Education, even if you hate to admit it, is like a parent. Comforting, secure and maybe a bit smothering, but always there to hold your hand. Now it's just shoved you out on a tightrope with a yelled "Good luck!" that you can't quite hear for the wind trying to dash you to the ground. 

So this is me saying that I'm going to do everything I possibly can to stay on that tightrope, and I'm going to have massive doubts, and regrets, and I'm going to make the wrong choices, and I'm going to do things wrong, but that's okay. I am here in this world to be confused, at least for right now.

I'm going to end with a quote from Shanelle Kaul: (she writes another 9 reasons about how great being 22 is here) 

"22 is basically the only age you can use as leverage. Meaning that because it's the exact age between life-as-you-know-it and what will later be known as 'real life' (that's scientifically proven, of course), people expect you to make some mistakes. Mistakes like overcooking a pot-roast or dating someone who may not be right for you. And that's okay, because heck, you're just 22."

Step 6: Autumnal meal and walk

This week was quite a slow week for me, I was working long hours and am depressingly poor until payday at the end of this week, and where I live it's hard to find anything to do when you don't have much time as it takes a long time to get anywhere interesting! So this week are some more very small steps.

1. 

The first thing I did (technically last week actually) was venture out to make s new meal! My mother and I had some friends coming round - a family of 4 - and it turned out the younger sister was a recent vegan, and knowing this, I immediately headed for 'Deliciously Ella!' I immediately found an easyish looking recipe (I was cooking for 6 people, I didn't want to challenge myself too much!) of Mushroom and Chickpea stew (recipe linked here). I didn't take too many pictures of the process as I ended up being in a bit of a rush (story of my life) but I swear I have never chopped so many mushrooms in my life! There were piles and piles all over the kitchen surfaces, along with a load of chopped carrots.

It looks a bit ugly in the pictures but I swear it was really nice! Not too complicated as it just requires a lot of boiling down (I didn't quite do this stage enough, so it ended up being a bit too much liquid). The chilli powder in it actually adds more of a kick than you'd think so be a bit aware if you have family members (like my mum) who struggle with even the slightest hint of heat in a dish.

2. 

My second step of this week was actually getting myself out of the house on my day off (I have a tendency to sit in my pyjamas being a lazy lump) and going for a nice autumnal walk! It was really sunny yesterday, with a nice kick in the air, and I suppose I can admit that living in the countryside does have its benefits. 

It gave me the perfect opportunity to be alone with my own thoughts for a while (doesn't happen much where I live and work), listen to a bit of Taylor Swift (no shame, her album 'Red' is my go to for all emotions, but most of all when I'm feeling pensive) and maybe take a few cheeky selfies.

A lot of the trees aren't properly turning here yet, so not all of the colours are out in full force, but it was still really beautiful, and made me appreciate how nice and important time by myself is. Although I don't mind my job that much, it requires a constant ability to talk to people and being perennially cheerful, and I love my mum, but she often gets the brunt of the bad mood that comes upon me after 8 hours of this! This isn't fair on her, or on me, so I think I need to set aside time everyday to just come to terms with myself.

Adventure 5: I did a photoshoot!

On Saturday I got the chance to be a model for a photography friend in my village (his website is linked here) and it was so exciting and exhilarating! I have never been super happy with my body especially, or the way I look, so it was a big confidence booster as well as being really fun.

At first I was really nervous, as he showed me pictures of different poses that we were going to try - there's a lot more that goes into posing for a photo than I ever imagined! Everytime I see advertising campaigns now I notice different things that he had explained. I got to get my make up done which was really cool for me as I really love makeup, and I'm really interested in it. The makeup artist was really lovely, although her English wasn't amazing, as I would have loved her to be able to explain all the different products she was using. My eyes popped out of my head when I saw all the makeup! 

This was the first look, and I had been asked to bring an 'edgy everyday outfit,' so I was wearing  Topshop Jamie ripped black jeans, a New Look cold shoulder crop top, heeled boots from George at Asda, and my H&M leather jacket. They curled the very front bit of my hair, and I think the makeup looks a lot scarier in my selfie, as it's makeup constructed to look good on a big proper camera.

There was a whole big set up of lights and now I understand what that little clicky thing they do in front of someone's face is (it measures the light) and we did a few poses. These are the only pictures that have been released so far, but Simon, the photographer, said that I was a natural. 

There was another model there too who had done proper modelling lots of times before, so her big suitcase of fancy modelling clothes threw me off a bit and was very intimidating! For a few minutes I felt like a little kid playing dress up, as she whipped out her 1970s Dior dress, and obviously she's better at modelling than me, but I shouldn't compare us, obviously, as this was my first ever try, and I did really enjoy it! My mum said my experience on stage might have helped with my posing, but being on stage never crossed my mind when I was doing it, I just followed directions... although I guess that is like being on stage!

 

The next look we did (I didn't have loads of time as I had to run off and get a train) was more glam, Aline (the makeup artist) did a really dark smokey eye and red lipstick, and I wore a bodycon dress with cut outs at the side. (not that you can see in this picture) This one I found harder as I was worrying more about whether I looked fat (I know it's stupid, I can't help it) but the pictures so far I think look amazing! This experience was definitely pushing me out of my comfort zone, and Simon has said he would love to work with me again, which is really exciting, although I'm definitely going to work out a bit more this week... 
I'm so glad I had to courage to go through with this, and although I got slightly intimidated by the other model (her pictures are INCREDIBLE, to be fair) I think I did really well for my first go at it, considering I never ever thought I would ever get to model for anything!
I think this is a pretty exciting adventure! 

Photography credit: Simon Blower

Step 4: I went on a date

I guess this week, is kind of a big step. For me anyway, as I've been on very few official 'dates.' In the past, mostly, I've been involved with someone before we eventually go on a date. 

I think that's reasonably common at University, and at school I guess, you mostly already know the people around you, it's a pleasant little bubble of easily meeting people and new involvements. At the beginning of this year, even a few months ago, I didn't mind that I was leaving this bubble, because I had the love of my life and so why would it matter if I was leaving? I would never need to meet anyone again. So that didn't work so well for me, and I've been feeling extremely lost as I was suddenly thrown out of all of my protective bubbles - hence the inspiration behind this blog! 

Anyway, off topic - as you all (hopefully) know, my first post was about 'Tinder,' as much as I don't like to admit it, more and more people are meeting online now, and in that post I said it wasn't really for me, but right before I deleted the app a guy started talking to me, and we moved to Whatsapp (which seemed a bit less seedy). He was nice, sweet, cute, and we talked really easily, and on Saturday we went on a date. 

I was terrified. I was also slightly hungover, but that's not the point. We'd agreed a place to meet, and I was slightly earlier than he was, and when he arrived it was the hilarious scenario of us both knowing that we were in the same area, walking circuits around as we'd never actually met each before. If I was more comically inclined it could have been gold. Eventually we found each other, and we went to a very typical Oxford pub and had a couple of drinks, and if I'm being totally honest, the first hour, I was counting down to a time where I could feasibly say I had to go. That sounds really mean. Just in that moment I realised I was absolutely not ready for this, and there was no immediate spark for me. But after a while, I really relaxed, and it was a truly lovely date. We never ran out of stuff to say to each other, and he was interesting and a nice guy, and it would have ticked all the boxes of what you ask for from a date. He kissed me at the bus stop, and everything was comfortable, and pretty normal.

But I don't think I'm ready. I'm not ready for a lot of things. But I'm glad I went, if only that it showed me that I'm not ready, and I should wait for something amazing again, and wait til I know I'm in the right place in myself to commit to it. Right now, I need to rediscover myself, because otherwise I'll just be grasping at something for validation, and I really need to learn to validate myself.

I guess, some steps might be steps backwards, but they still always teach you something.