Step 4: I went on a date

I guess this week, is kind of a big step. For me anyway, as I've been on very few official 'dates.' In the past, mostly, I've been involved with someone before we eventually go on a date. 

I think that's reasonably common at University, and at school I guess, you mostly already know the people around you, it's a pleasant little bubble of easily meeting people and new involvements. At the beginning of this year, even a few months ago, I didn't mind that I was leaving this bubble, because I had the love of my life and so why would it matter if I was leaving? I would never need to meet anyone again. So that didn't work so well for me, and I've been feeling extremely lost as I was suddenly thrown out of all of my protective bubbles - hence the inspiration behind this blog! 

Anyway, off topic - as you all (hopefully) know, my first post was about 'Tinder,' as much as I don't like to admit it, more and more people are meeting online now, and in that post I said it wasn't really for me, but right before I deleted the app a guy started talking to me, and we moved to Whatsapp (which seemed a bit less seedy). He was nice, sweet, cute, and we talked really easily, and on Saturday we went on a date. 

I was terrified. I was also slightly hungover, but that's not the point. We'd agreed a place to meet, and I was slightly earlier than he was, and when he arrived it was the hilarious scenario of us both knowing that we were in the same area, walking circuits around as we'd never actually met each before. If I was more comically inclined it could have been gold. Eventually we found each other, and we went to a very typical Oxford pub and had a couple of drinks, and if I'm being totally honest, the first hour, I was counting down to a time where I could feasibly say I had to go. That sounds really mean. Just in that moment I realised I was absolutely not ready for this, and there was no immediate spark for me. But after a while, I really relaxed, and it was a truly lovely date. We never ran out of stuff to say to each other, and he was interesting and a nice guy, and it would have ticked all the boxes of what you ask for from a date. He kissed me at the bus stop, and everything was comfortable, and pretty normal.

But I don't think I'm ready. I'm not ready for a lot of things. But I'm glad I went, if only that it showed me that I'm not ready, and I should wait for something amazing again, and wait til I know I'm in the right place in myself to commit to it. Right now, I need to rediscover myself, because otherwise I'll just be grasping at something for validation, and I really need to learn to validate myself.

I guess, some steps might be steps backwards, but they still always teach you something. 

‘Adventure’ Step 2:

So, this week wasn't as much of an 'adventure' (that will be my task for next week, so I have something to aim for!) as I went back to work, and it was just a step for me to get into a normal routine of this life I now have to live. I'd like to think, even though it wasn't a big one, I did make a step this week, and I've decided on 5 things I did this week that have helped me towards it.

• I wrote a cover letter by myself, and completed a job application!

This might not be a big deal to many of you, and I'm sure one day, it won't be a big deal to me either, it will just be something that I do. Maybe daily. (Lets hope not daily) But this week, for me, this is a definite step. For the first time I wrote a cover letter without making my (ex) boyfriend write a lot of it for me, I didn't constantly refer back to Guardian tips on writing effectively, and I wrote it all in one go. Okay, that last one is a lie, it may have taken me a few days, but the first two have to count for something! Things just sound better in threes...

• I baked! 

I have always wanted to be one of those girls who can just bake anything effortlessly, and just whips out perfectly fluffy and beautifully decorated cupcakes at any occasion, and to be brutally honest...it's something I really need to work on! I don't think I'm a natural baker, but I think a lot of this stems from my unbelief in myself (and my unwillingness to do it in front of other people, in case I go wrong). This week, I found a recipe that didn't require me to go shopping (no butter or eggs recipe!) and they turned out amazing! The icing needed more work but hey, one step at a time. Recipe HERE.

• I went to a Boxercise class (and literally, figuratively died.)

I have wanted to try boxing for exercise for months, and have never got round to it. There was a class really near where I live, so I decided to give it a go. I wore someone else's really smelly (like, really. Stale sweat smell is not the one) gloves, I did some boxing stances (I may suck at them right now, but I have faith that I will get there) and there was a lot of cardio (hence the dying). There was constant running, punching, situps, skipping and planking for almost an hour, and it was brutal, but when it was over, I felt amazing. I had muddled and forced my way through something really hard, which means I can do it again, and means if I'm determined, I can get through anything. (That's what I'm going to tell myself anyway.

• I had a pamper session.

This is something I very rarely make time for, being of the mind that if I have time to have a bath, I should be doing something else, but on Friday I woke up so unbelievably exhausted and mentally drained, that it was truly necessary. I had a Lush Bath Ballistic, a face mask, a good book, good music, I cleansed my face, had bubbles, and a lovely relax. Something I need to make more time for is just, time for myself. I don't always have to 'on,' even though it helps me forget how I'm feeling, sometimes it's important to just let yourself feel those feelings. Believe me, they flipping hurt, but they're going to hurt at some point, I have to work on not pushing them down so much that they almost explode. It's okay to have a cry, and it's okay to look after yourself.

• I cut off contact with my ex.

This was my biggest struggle of the week. Although I technically cut off contact the day after we broke up, I still had the (now unnamed) number in my recently called, and I knew that. So at the beginning of this week, I had broken, and I had texted him, and we were talking a bit. And I thought that was what I wanted. But it wasn't. You can never tell what something means to another person, and I realised that what was happening meant a lot more to me than it did to him, and it meant something in a different way. While I was getting my hopes up, to him we were just friends, something which I am not ready for, and something that I don't think I'm in the state to deal with now, I'm not in that place. So after a big conversation/argument, I did it. I deleted every single remnant of him on my phone, and it was so hard. I left a voicemail explaining how I felt, but I don't think you ever manage to say everything you want to. There is probably a lot more I could say to him, but that doesn't mean I should. Maybe it's always the case that there are words left unsaid, and words that are left that way for a reason. This is a massive step for me, as I struggle with letting things go, even things that are causing me pain, and although I still think of him a lot, I think I'm beginning to move forward.

This week may not seem as exciting, but I think any step is progress! Up that mountain we go!

Also if you want to see the list I have haphazardly put together of things I'm going do, check out the new page over there -----> (called 'The List.')

'Adventure' 1: Tinder

So, at some point last year, a few of my friends and I downloaded Tinder as a joke, to have a competition of who could get the most matches (my friend won only as another friend stole her phone and 'swiped right' on every guy in a 50 mile radius), we had a few laughs, mostly all deleted it, and didn't really think of it again.

But it was actually one of my first thoughts, as I began to adjust to being single. (*Ahem* - still not adjusted).

Something that I really miss about being in a relationship is having someone to talk to all the time - someone to tell about the random things that happen one evening, and just know that you can go on your phone and text any time of the day. So I decided to redownload Tinder.

After a few failed attempts, with the app refusing to let me log in (why do you have to log in with Facebook? I don't want to know if some guy knows someone I barely knew when I was 16?), I finally got it to work. I've been using it now for a total of 5 days. Below are my first impressions, and occurrences.

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1) Only one creepy guy from the offset ('Nice glowsticks ;)' referring to a picture where I had glowsticks in my top) and whom which I ignored. I was pleasantly surprised by the effort many guys put into their opening lines.

2) This dissipated quickly, as guys who appeared to be genuinely interested lost this interest if you didn't mention sex from the off, and suddenly interrupted a nice, amicable conversation with the wish of "wanting to f*** you."  

3) It's effective for a quick self-esteem boost.

4) It's reeeeeally hard not to be shallow. I attempted not to be when swiping, I clicked on each person's profile, studied each picture, read the bio, and tried to swipe right on a variety of people. However, as soon as I was matched with absolutely all of them, I seriously lost interest (I know, I'm a hypocrite) as I just couldn't pretend I found them attractive.

5) I muddled my way through chatting with the most hipster guy I have ever spoken to in my life, and had to google several of the things he mentioned in order not to sound completely stupid. However, I'm still suspicious at least one of those things was invented in order to catch me out. I'm not designed to be hipster. I just can't take it seriously. Nor can I blag my way through anything.

6) Also, I just don't have the banter for this. Honestly, in my bio it says "I'm not funny enough for this," and they all took it as a charming joke, and I was going to knock their socks off with my hilarious wit, but I was being totally, utterly honest. The only time I'm funny is when I say something accidentally, or when I say something really, really stupid. I can't banter. Note to anyone considering Tinder - work on banter skills.

7) The shallowness of it hit me again, as I got considerably less matches as soon as I removed a picture of me with visible cleavage, and replaced it with a happy picture of me and my friends on a beach. What's wrong with the beach, huh??

8) To be honest...It just isn't fulfilling what I want it to. It's probably too soon, but I'm already insufferably bored by it. Replying to the messages has become a chore, none of the conversations are flowing particularly, and despite several invites to drinks, coffee, and 'more', I am in no way tempted by any of them. One guy I feel slightly sorry for, I think I may be his only match and I don't mean to hurt his feelings by not replying to his offer of a drink. I just can't think of a witty excuse. Honestly though, it's not you, it's me. 

In conclusion, I think this was a bad one to start with! I'm not ready, and even if I was, I think I'd choose a different medium of meeting someone. I guess I'm a tad old-fashioned?

See you next week!

To sum it up....

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Hello everyone,

My name is Rhianna, I'm 21, I've just graduated with a degree in English Literature, I've just been broken up with, and I'm at a completely new and unfamiliar crossroads in my life. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I should be doing, what I want to be doing, what I could be doing - there's a lot of things I don't know.

Throughout my life there have been things I've been pretty bad at - number one (I would say) - is the art of making decisions. I just can't do it. Small decisions, big decisions - they all prove almost impossible for me to make. I'm also not great at being by myself, trying new things, and not relying on other people.
So this is my experiment. I'm going to try some new things, and I'm going to try and survive - and maybe flourish, who knows? - by being on my own.

My first post will be up on Sunday - and it will be about my venture into the world of Tinder. (I know, even looking at the word makes me cringe a bit, too) My first impressions, setbacks, and funny moments, that have all occurred in the past few days.

I'm new at the blogging thing (if you couldn't tell) but I'm going to try and make a separate page with my 'list' (that sounds ominous) so everyone can see it - and please, if you have suggestions - let me know!

Keep an eye out on Sunday!
See you soon,