Friday, 20 November 2015

Do you ever even think of me?

This week a friend of mine on social media shared this article
People revealed the question that they would ask that one person who really broke their heart. It caused me a day (and a bit more, occupational hazard of being ill and off work) of deep reflection.
It's been a little over 3 months since the process of my heart being broken started, almost 3 months since it was, well, shattered, and now, I guess, I'm in the long process of it being mended. I feel like I'm in a weird interim stage now, I'm over the initial pain, I don't want him back, there are certain parts of my life I'm happy with, but I haven't achieved the total knowledge of being over everything that happened. There's still a dull ache in my heart when I think about the whole journey I had to go through to even get to where I am now.
So, what would I ask him?



The story:

He found someone else when he was away for the summer, so when we eventually did break up, it felt like all the pain was mine, as he already had someone new and exciting for his attention. I felt like I was the old rag he was chucking away.
In the weeks that followed the break up I really struggled, and I thought of him, and our relationship daily, and I would just want to know - does he ever think of me? Does he ever think of us and the two years we spent together? Or is he so enamoured with the new life he's made for himself that it never even crosses his mind?
Maybe 2 months ago I still had millions of questions through my mind that I would want to ask him, but now I think they've mostly all whittled down to that one. Are the memories of us worth anything to you or are you too busy creating new ones that they've all been discarded, like I was?

What would you ask?
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Thursday, 12 November 2015

Step 8: Solo Cinema Date & An Attempt at a Review



Ok I really suck at the doing new and exciting things, thing. I'm a bit of a scaredy-cat and I work too much, so that on my days off all I want to do is curl up on the sofa and eat lots of chocolate watching TV shows I've seen many times before.

This week, however, I did go to the cinema by myself! I love going to the cinema, especially with my mum (not only because she buys the tickets for me) and yet its a bit of a confusing notion as to why it is seen as such a social atmosphere. You literally sit in silence with some other people, and yet I think knowing that everyone else there is seeing and feeling what you're feeling makes it more exciting. Nevertheless, I wanted to go by myself, as it really shouldn't be a big deal. 

I went to see the film 'Suffragette' with Carey Mulligan and Helena Bonham Carter. I'd heard some good reviews and I love Carey Mulligan already, and I remember loving studying the suffragette movement at school. This film does not disappoint. 

*Spoilers ahead*

Maud Watts is a laundry worker in 1912, quiet and obedient, keeping her head down in all aspects of her life, when she gets caught up in a  violent suffragette demonstration, recognising Violet Miller from her workplace, who the next day invites her to join them. Maud at first resists but ends up, almost accidentally, giving a statement at Parliament to David Lloyd George, the first time that she has given herself the chance to voice her own opinion. From there her seemingly accidental involvement snowballs, as she gets arrested for the reaction after women are denied a change to their voting rights, and when her husband, Sonny, bans her from further involvement, you see her independence grow. After Sonny kicks her out of their house after another arrest she becomes a pioneer in the movement, becoming involved with posting letter bombs and blowing up Lloyd George's summer house, rebelling against her supervisor after years of silently enduring his lechery, going through hunger strike in prison, and finally, attending the Derby with Emily Davison and witnessing her death, a famous event of the suffragette movement. 
Picture found here


It is after this event that the film draws to a close, leaving me slightly lost as I was waiting for a true ending, but as I read in s review the following day, that is the entire point. There is no true ending to such a cause. Women may have eventually got the vote but their fight for complete equality still continues, as emphasised by the list of countries and when they granted women voting rights which scroll over the screen at the conclusion of the film. The ongoing fight is clear to see, as there are still countries yet to grant them (examples) and Saudi Arabia only made steps towards it this year.

Picture found here
Carey Mulligan is an amazing actress. Following such a famous story through her eyes gives an entirely new meaning to it. I remember studying the women's suffrage movement in history lessons at school, and  I could probably still dredge up all the facts about it, but seeing it done in such a personal and heart wrenching way is amazing. A particular heart wrenching part is Maud's relationship with her son, her love for him st odds with her growing belief in the movements as her husband bans her from seeing him. When she manages to steal time with him the scenes are truly beautiful, their pure relationship shining through the screen, and a heart breaking scene is when Sonny reveals that he has put their son, Georgie, up for adoption, and Maud realises how much she is fighting for, as her lack of rights means she cannot fight this. As she screams and curses Sonny there is a moment where they almost come back together, overwhelmed with grief, but Maud breaks away, and you don't see Sonny again, showing that she knows completely she cannot go back to any part of her old life. 


Another heart breaking scene that was actually really really hard to watch was Maud getting force fed to end her hunger strike in prison, by a tube in her nose. I think a reason that this is so hard to watch is that this actually happened to these women. As they tried to fight for what they believed in, people reduced their efforts by taking away even more of their rights, putting a tube in their nose and forcing them to receive food. The scene made me feel a little bit sick, but it was so important. 

A part of this film that needs to be especially mentioned is the cinematography, done by Edu Grau. A particular moment I noticed it was when Maud and some other women are running from the police, and the way they have worked the camera makes you feel as if you are running with them. It shakes and bumps along with them and it feels so beautifully raw and real, it is not a film that shys away from showing the pain. The way they have orchestrated this film by following Maud into the movement, increases the audience's sense of involvement in the story. Maud begins the story never having really considered that women would ever get the vote, and not allowing herself to think about what the right would do for her, and the film shows her enlightenment into seeing the possibility and believing it. 
It is easy to feel, living in England in 2015, that the suffragette movement is far away from us, but this film reminds us why it was a real battle, and why it is still going, and Maud's personal journey can be mirrored in many women and girls in the present that have never considered what feminism can do for them. But just like Maud, we don't always have to just keep our heads down and endure.

A final thing worth mentioning about this film is the sheer number of women involved in the making of it. Obviously the actresses themselves are amazing in what they do, but this is a film written by, directed by and produced by women, and that is an amazing thing to see!

Picture found here

I've never written a film review before so I hope this was OK! I feel there is probably so much more I could write about, but isn't that always the way, there's always more to be said or done, it's just knowing where to stop for now.

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Wednesday, 4 November 2015

A Bit Different: A Discussion on Authenticity



Image copyright Instagram: Essenaoneill


Today (actually yesterday, when I drafted this post) I read an article about Essena O'Neill, an Instagram famous girl who abandoned her successful and professional pretty social media accounts to reveal the truth behind the pictures, and to encourage people to make real changes in the world. The story has gone viral, and if you Google her name 10s of articles will come up, but I originally read the one on the Guardian online, here. In her edited captions of many photos O'Neill tries to draw attention to the truths that are hidden in the daily obsession of looking at other people's lives in pictures, writing that she "took countless pictures trying to look hot for Instagram," and admitted that she calorie counted and exercised obsessively as a 15 year old in her efforts to be famous on social media. On her re-edited captions of her Instagram photos (now completely deleted), she explains the effort it takes to get the perfect shot, how it can impact your self esteem as you wait for the validation of people liking it, and how you would judge yourself more as you take the picture, as you're trying to judge it from how other people see you. 


I have a grand total of 200 Instagram followers, but I'm still guilty of this. When I get the magic 11 (when your likes turn into a number) I am happy. For a millisecond. And I can understand - after having read these articles especially and listened to her video - that this must get so much worse the more followers you have. When you're aiming for a bigger and bigger number you have more to lose, or more to gain. There is always a bigger number, and it can so easily consume you if you keep aiming for it.We think we're aiming for perfection, but massive corporations, and brands, and the celebrities they get to endorse them, keep moving that further away. Tempting us, saying that if we buy that one more thing, if we lose that one more pound, if we eat that one type of superfood, we'll reach it. But there will always be something more. 
Image copyright Instagram: Essenaoneill

Those perfectly posed photos in glittering sunlight, the supermodel glancing candidly out on an ocean to create a sense of alluring mystery, the artfully arranged collection of high end makeups, just 'casually' flung on a marble counter-top. It's all manufactured using apps, filters, Photoshop, and even if it is real, many of those people posting the pictures have spent more time trying to get that idealistic image than actually enjoying the moment they are claiming to be "blessed" by. And yet we will sit at home wishing our own lives away, wishing to be the one in that 2-D world. That is a phrase I truly respect from Essena O'Neill's stance, the fact that we live in a 2-D world online, and we need to remember to appreciate the 3-D things. Friends, family, love, rain, mud, exhilaration, the jump of your heart if you see someone you like, the butterflies in your stomach, the warm feeling when someone compliments your work, getting home after a long day, drinking hot chocolate, having a cup of tea. So often we take these 3-D feelings and turn them into 2-D pictures and we forget to just enjoy them, because we have to make sure everyone else knows exactly what we're doing, so they can, in turn, measure themselves again us.  

Much (not all) of social media now encourages you to measure everything - measure how people look compared to you, what their lives are compared to you, what they eat, drink, how far they can run, what they can wear, all in comparison to you, there is a constant need to measure yourself against everyone. I do it too, and I know I will find it hard to stop, despite agreeing with a lot of what Essena O'Neill has been saying. I follow countless numbers of celebrities and bloggers on Instagram, on Twitter, I watch their YouTube videos and sometimes feel a sense of emptiness inside that their lives are better than mine, that they are happier and more fulfilled than me. I daily fall into the trap that I would probably warn other people against. Another thing social media encourages I think, hypocrisy. If one of my friends told me she wished she looked like a model, or a picture online, I would tell her she was silly, that she was beautiful just the way she was, and I would believe it. But I would never apply it to myself. I would never turn those words back around.
www.fanpop.com

This is a world obsessed with authenticity, but sadly enough, it has become a facade in itself, in my opinion. When successful bloggers/vloggers like Zoella, Tanya Burr, Alfie Deyes etc. started becoming as popular as they are now, they often stated in interviews that people liked them because they were 'authentic.' They started off just like us, in front of a little camera in their bedrooms, and the hordes of people watching them feel justified and good in their support of them, as they're just normal people. But even that idea of authenticity is not real, it's just a new level of the celebrity. Even if these people started off just like us, they're certainly not anymore. This article in Now magazine shows much Zoella can make per view of her video, and then factors in the product placement, her own products, and her blog as well. I'm not knocking the work that they do (I actually do watch Zoella videos) as obviously to get this far they've all had to work pretty damn hard, I'm just knocking the aura of this mystical 'authenticity.' 
en.wikipedia.org 

A main point might be the controversy around Zoella's book release last year of Girl Online, which broke records in how many in sold in the first day of publication, and then was the subject of lots of hype surrounding the fact that Zoe used a ghostwriter. I, personally, was surprised at the backlash, I had kind of assumed anyway that she used a ghostwriter (many famous people who publish books do) but after reading blogs and articles about it, it was more about the fact that Zoe had never admitted to using one, she had implied to her viewers that she had written it herself, and it was the betrayal many people felt that caused the most hurt. Zoella was meant to be the trustworthy big sister you can watch on your computer, she wasn't meant to be lying to you and taking credit for someone else's work. It was the threat to her authentic image that worried people.


Essena O'Neill in her declaration of 'Social Media is Not Real Life' has announced something we all pretty much knew already. The publicity of it is impressive, but I don't know how much it will change. Ironically, after her announcement of quitting social media, she actually gained followers, which, coupled with her plea for financial help, has now caused some people to doubt the authenticity of her fight to be seen as authentic. In the sad truth I am going to finish with - can we ever really find authenticity in a world which provides validation by a double tap on a picture, or the click of a thumbs up? A world where you might type "LOL' or "LMAO" but what you actually meant was, "I may have slightly smiled at my phone just now?"
www.graphicsfuel.com

Even for me personally, I'm going to publish this blog post, and then I'll probably scroll Instagram and think to myself wistfully "I wish I Kylie Jenner's body," or "I wish I had those shoes that blogger is wearing," In my mind I will know that I am playing into the very heart of the diseased world social media is creating, but I will do it anyway. 

(PS, I don't think social media is all bad - I think it is a useful tool and can be used for wonderful things, like anti-bullying campaigns, or helping refugees, this is just one side of one discussion)
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