Adventure 9: Learning to play pool!

johntomsett.com

Hello guys - so sorry, about the lack of posting last week, I had the unfortunate combination of being ill and having to work a lot, so this commitment kind of fell behind! But I did technically do a new thing this week so I hope you are all proud.

This week, I was one of those people. I went on a 'learn how to play pool' date - like Serena and Dan in Gossip Girl. Ahahahaha LOL except I don't look like Blake Lively......

www.pinterest.com

I also would love to be that girl who pretends to be awful so the boy will teach her and then turns around and is actually already amazing. But I'm not, I'm actually just awful!

As a date idea though, it's pretty cute, and I had a lot of fun. Pool is apparently all about angles, and hitting the balls at the right angles (no immature sniggers at the back please), and I was never a natural at maths so it's not my strong point... I kept positioning myself in the right position (seriously why are there so many innuendos involved in playing pool?) to hit the ball right, but not the cue, so everything kept being slightly wrong. So I wasn't necessarily awful, I just wasn't the best. 

The rules are simple enough to understand, just after watching my boy and his friends play pool, I can't imagine ever being good enough! Even by the end of the night it was taking me about 5 minutes to take the time to decide my position and what angle to attempt (and miss) to hit the ball, while they've done all the work and potted it in about 20 seconds. Some of them might have been flukes but they're flipping stylish flukes, while I'm that person clomping along in shoes way too big for me.

However, even if you don't get any better at the actual playing of pool, the boy will probably have a great time watching you bend over the pool table, and you can take great advantage of this. Silver lining, always a silver lining.

Do you ever even think of me?

This week a friend of mine on social media shared this article: 
People revealed the question that they would ask that one person who really broke their heart. It caused me a day (and a bit more, occupational hazard of being ill and off work) of deep reflection.
It's been a little over 3 months since the process of my heart being broken started, almost 3 months since it was, well, shattered, and now, I guess, I'm in the long process of it being mended. I feel like I'm in a weird interim stage now, I'm over the initial pain, I don't want him back, there are certain parts of my life I'm happy with, but I haven't achieved the total knowledge of being over everything that happened. There's still a dull ache in my heart when I think about the whole journey I had to go through to even get to where I am now.
So, what would I ask him?

The story:

He found someone else when he was away for the summer, so when we eventually did break up, it felt like all the pain was mine, as he already had someone new and exciting for his attention. I felt like I was the old rag he was chucking away.
In the weeks that followed the break up I really struggled, and I thought of him, and our relationship daily, and I would just want to know - does he ever think of me? Does he ever think of us and the two years we spent together? Or is he so enamoured with the new life he's made for himself that it never even crosses his mind?
Maybe 2 months ago I still had millions of questions through my mind that I would want to ask him, but now I think they've mostly all whittled down to that one. Are the memories of us worth anything to you or are you too busy creating new ones that they've all been discarded, like I was?

What would you ask?

Step 8: Solo Cinema Date & An Attempt at a Review

Ok I really suck at the doing new and exciting things, thing. I'm a bit of a scaredy-cat and I work too much, so that on my days off all I want to do is curl up on the sofa and eat lots of chocolate watching TV shows I've seen many times before.

This week, however, I did go to the cinema by myself! I love going to the cinema, especially with my mum (not only because she buys the tickets for me) and yet its a bit of a confusing notion as to why it is seen as such a social atmosphere. You literally sit in silence with some other people, and yet I think knowing that everyone else there is seeing and feeling what you're feeling makes it more exciting. Nevertheless, I wanted to go by myself, as it really shouldn't be a big deal. 

I went to see the film 'Suffragette' with Carey Mulligan and Helena Bonham Carter. I'd heard some good reviews and I love Carey Mulligan already, and I remember loving studying the suffragette movement at school. This film does not disappoint. 

*Spoilers ahead*

Maud Watts is a laundry worker in 1912, quiet and obedient, keeping her head down in all aspects of her life, when she gets caught up in a  violent suffragette demonstration, recognising Violet Miller from her workplace, who the next day invites her to join them. Maud at first resists but ends up, almost accidentally, giving a statement at Parliament to David Lloyd George, the first time that she has given herself the chance to voice her own opinion. From there her seemingly accidental involvement snowballs, as she gets arrested for the reaction after women are denied a change to their voting rights, and when her husband, Sonny, bans her from further involvement, you see her independence grow. After Sonny kicks her out of their house after another arrest she becomes a pioneer in the movement, becoming involved with posting letter bombs and blowing up Lloyd George's summer house, rebelling against her supervisor after years of silently enduring his lechery, going through hunger strike in prison, and finally, attending the Derby with Emily Davison and witnessing her death, a famous event of the suffragette movement. 

Picture found here

It is after this event that the film draws to a close, leaving me slightly lost as I was waiting for a true ending, but as I read in s review the following day, that is the entire point. There is no true ending to such a cause. Women may have eventually got the vote but their fight for complete equality still continues, as emphasised by the list of countries and when they granted women voting rights which scroll over the screen at the conclusion of the film. The ongoing fight is clear to see, as there are still countries yet to grant them (examples) and Saudi Arabia only made steps towards it this year.

Picture found here

Carey Mulligan is an amazing actress. Following such a famous story through her eyes gives an entirely new meaning to it. I remember studying the women's suffrage movement in history lessons at school, and  I could probably still dredge up all the facts about it, but seeing it done in such a personal and heart wrenching way is amazing. A particular heart wrenching part is Maud's relationship with her son, her love for him st odds with her growing belief in the movements as her husband bans her from seeing him. When she manages to steal time with him the scenes are truly beautiful, their pure relationship shining through the screen, and a heart breaking scene is when Sonny reveals that he has put their son, Georgie, up for adoption, and Maud realises how much she is fighting for, as her lack of rights means she cannot fight this. As she screams and curses Sonny there is a moment where they almost come back together, overwhelmed with grief, but Maud breaks away, and you don't see Sonny again, showing that she knows completely she cannot go back to any part of her old life. 

Another heart breaking scene that was actually really really hard to watch was Maud getting force fed to end her hunger strike in prison, by a tube in her nose. I think a reason that this is so hard to watch is that this actually happened to these women. As they tried to fight for what they believed in, people reduced their efforts by taking away even more of their rights, putting a tube in their nose and forcing them to receive food. The scene made me feel a little bit sick, but it was so important. 

A part of this film that needs to be especially mentioned is the cinematography, done by Edu Grau. A particular moment I noticed it was when Maud and some other women are running from the police, and the way they have worked the camera makes you feel as if you are running with them. It shakes and bumps along with them and it feels so beautifully raw and real, it is not a film that shys away from showing the pain. The way they have orchestrated this film by following Maud into the movement, increases the audience's sense of involvement in the story. Maud begins the story never having really considered that women would ever get the vote, and not allowing herself to think about what the right would do for her, and the film shows her enlightenment into seeing the possibility and believing it. 
It is easy to feel, living in England in 2015, that the suffragette movement is far away from us, but this film reminds us why it was a real battle, and why it is still going, and Maud's personal journey can be mirrored in many women and girls in the present that have never considered what feminism can do for them. But just like Maud, we don't always have to just keep our heads down and endure.

A final thing worth mentioning about this film is the sheer number of women involved in the making of it. Obviously the actresses themselves are amazing in what they do, but this is a film written by, directed by and produced by women, and that is an amazing thing to see!

Picture found here

I've never written a film review before so I hope this was OK! I feel there is probably so much more I could write about, but isn't that always the way, there's always more to be said or done, it's just knowing where to stop for now.

A Bit Different: A Discussion on Authenticity

Image copyright Instagram: Essenaoneill

Today (actually yesterday, when I drafted this post) I read an article about Essena O'Neill, an Instagram famous girl who abandoned her successful and professional pretty social media accounts to reveal the truth behind the pictures, and to encourage people to make real changes in the world. The story has gone viral, and if you Google her name 10s of articles will come up, but I originally read the one on the Guardian online, here. In her edited captions of many photos O'Neill tries to draw attention to the truths that are hidden in the daily obsession of looking at other people's lives in pictures, writing that she "took countless pictures trying to look hot for Instagram," and admitted that she calorie counted and exercised obsessively as a 15 year old in her efforts to be famous on social media. On her re-edited captions of her Instagram photos (now completely deleted), she explains the effort it takes to get the perfect shot, how it can impact your self esteem as you wait for the validation of people liking it, and how you would judge yourself more as you take the picture, as you're trying to judge it from how other people see you. 


I have a grand total of 200 Instagram followers, but I'm still guilty of this. When I get the magic 11 (when your likes turn into a number) I am happy. For a millisecond. And I can understand - after having read these articles especially and listened to her video - that this must get so much worse the more followers you have. When you're aiming for a bigger and bigger number you have more to lose, or more to gain. There is always a bigger number, and it can so easily consume you if you keep aiming for it.We think we're aiming for perfection, but massive corporations, and brands, and the celebrities they get to endorse them, keep moving that further away. Tempting us, saying that if we buy that one more thing, if we lose that one more pound, if we eat that one type of superfood, we'll reach it. But there will always be something more. 

Image copyright Instagram: Essenaoneill

Those perfectly posed photos in glittering sunlight, the supermodel glancing candidly out on an ocean to create a sense of alluring mystery, the artfully arranged collection of high end makeups, just 'casually' flung on a marble counter-top. It's all manufactured using apps, filters, Photoshop, and even if it is real, many of those people posting the pictures have spent more time trying to get that idealistic image than actually enjoying the moment they are claiming to be "blessed" by. And yet we will sit at home wishing our own lives away, wishing to be the one in that 2-D world. That is a phrase I truly respect from Essena O'Neill's stance, the fact that we live in a 2-D world online, and we need to remember to appreciate the 3-D things. Friends, family, love, rain, mud, exhilaration, the jump of your heart if you see someone you like, the butterflies in your stomach, the warm feeling when someone compliments your work, getting home after a long day, drinking hot chocolate, having a cup of tea. So often we take these 3-D feelings and turn them into 2-D pictures and we forget to just enjoy them, because we have to make sure everyone else knows exactly what we're doing, so they can, in turn, measure themselves again us.  

Much (not all) of social media now encourages you to measure everything - measure how people look compared to you, what their lives are compared to you, what they eat, drink, how far they can run, what they can wear, all in comparison to you, there is a constant need to measure yourself against everyone. I do it too, and I know I will find it hard to stop, despite agreeing with a lot of what Essena O'Neill has been saying. I follow countless numbers of celebrities and bloggers on Instagram, on Twitter, I watch their YouTube videos and sometimes feel a sense of emptiness inside that their lives are better than mine, that they are happier and more fulfilled than me. I daily fall into the trap that I would probably warn other people against. Another thing social media encourages I think, hypocrisy. If one of my friends told me she wished she looked like a model, or a picture online, I would tell her she was silly, that she was beautiful just the way she was, and I would believe it. But I would never apply it to myself. I would never turn those words back around.

www.fanpop.com

This is a world obsessed with authenticity, but sadly enough, it has become a facade in itself, in my opinion. When successful bloggers/vloggers like Zoella, Tanya Burr, Alfie Deyes etc. started becoming as popular as they are now, they often stated in interviews that people liked them because they were 'authentic.' They started off just like us, in front of a little camera in their bedrooms, and the hordes of people watching them feel justified and good in their support of them, as they're just normal people. But even that idea of authenticity is not real, it's just a new level of the celebrity. Even if these people started off just like us, they're certainly not anymore. This article in Now magazine shows much Zoella can make per view of her video, and then factors in the product placement, her own products, and her blog as well. I'm not knocking the work that they do (I actually do watch Zoella videos) as obviously to get this far they've all had to work pretty damn hard, I'm just knocking the aura of this mystical 'authenticity.' 

en.wikipedia.org 

A main point might be the controversy around Zoella's book release last year of Girl Online, which broke records in how many in sold in the first day of publication, and then was the subject of lots of hype surrounding the fact that Zoe used a ghostwriter. I, personally, was surprised at the backlash, I had kind of assumed anyway that she used a ghostwriter (many famous people who publish books do) but after reading blogs and articles about it, it was more about the fact that Zoe had never admitted to using one, she had implied to her viewers that she had written it herself, and it was the betrayal many people felt that caused the most hurt. Zoella was meant to be the trustworthy big sister you can watch on your computer, she wasn't meant to be lying to you and taking credit for someone else's work. It was the threat to her authentic image that worried people.


Essena O'Neill in her declaration of 'Social Media is Not Real Life' has announced something we all pretty much knew already. The publicity of it is impressive, but I don't know how much it will change. Ironically, after her announcement of quitting social media, she actually gained followers, which, coupled with her plea for financial help, has now caused some people to doubt the authenticity of her fight to be seen as authentic. In the sad truth I am going to finish with - can we ever really find authenticity in a world which provides validation by a double tap on a picture, or the click of a thumbs up? A world where you might type "LOL' or "LMAO" but what you actually meant was, "I may have slightly smiled at my phone just now?"

www.graphicsfuel.com

Even for me personally, I'm going to publish this blog post, and then I'll probably scroll Instagram and think to myself wistfully "I wish I Kylie Jenner's body," or "I wish I had those shoes that blogger is wearing," In my mind I will know that I am playing into the very heart of the diseased world social media is creating, but I will do it anyway. 

(PS, I don't think social media is all bad - I think it is a useful tool and can be used for wonderful things, like anti-bullying campaigns, or helping refugees, this is just one side of one discussion)

Step 7: Movie Marathon

Okay so as you can probably guess from the picture plastered across this post ... this week I lost my Star Wars virginity. For years it has been my fun fact - "I have never seen Star Wars," - enjoying the look of incredulity on people's faces and their tutted disbelief. I don't why I never saw it as a child, I think my parents' feelings towards the franchise are decidedly lukewarm, so they never saw the need to make me sit through it. Through popular culture, obviously, I learned many things; Toy Story 2, The Big Bang Theory, and Friends being the ones most clear in my mind. So I knew vague things, but this week, I did it. I made it through 'Episodes' (ugh) IV, V, VI and I. Yes, I watched it in the old school order.

I actually surprised myself, and quite enjoyed them! Some of the bits of the older films made me laugh for the wrong reasons, just because they're so retro now in some of the effects they use and the really old school CGI. My favourite thing to spot all the way through each film was the different effect they used to change scene which reminded me of effects on Microsoft Powerpoint, when the next page would slide across the screen, or slide upwards, or go out in a circle. They seemed to pick a different one of these options for each film, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Also the monsters/aliens that looked like they'd been made out of papier mache - I was a big fan! 

Another thing I really enjoyed commenting on (and probably really annoying the person I was watching them with) was Princess Leia's hair. She has very iconic hair, obviously, but all her hairstyles are very intricate, and as shes running around and shooting and being naturally very badass, all I could think was ... she must be using a lot of hairspray! (I know, I think I'm really funny) But in all seriousness, her hair never budges! I only have to run down the road with a ponytail before it starts slipping out, and I have really thick hair, so Princess Leia's mastery of staying power completely blows me away. They should market her hairspray, because seriously - I would buy it!


Another hair point... Luke Skywalker. The original Justin Bieber hair anyone? I just don't think he'd quite mastered the flick, so it had the tendency to do 'curtains' every now and again, but if Luke would just learn to spend as much time on his hair as Leia, he would be up there with Bieber status. 

 While we're on the subject of Luke, I also want to compare him to... Zac Efron. NOT because of the hair this time, but for rivalling his epic sulk. At the very beginning of Episode IV, you see Luke sulking on his little planet and being moody as anything about doing his chores. This teenage angst plus the swishy hair just made want him to start dancing and singing the classic 'Bet on It' from High School Musical 2. Sulky, 'why does no one believe in me' vibes right there.

Episode I, although it had better effects obviously, annoyed me slightly as they almost went too far the other way, and some parts of it almost looked like a cartoon. Specifically the bits with Ja Ja Binks, who I already expected to dislike and was not disappointed. Everytime (he? it?) talked I wanted to punch him in the face. 

Despite this though, I did really enjoy watching the films, and I'm looking forward to watching the last two, even though I know what happens. I never felt like I was waiting for any of them to finish, I didn't feel that any of them dragged, and they are obviously a cultural classic for a reason, and I guess I am glad to have sacrificed my 'virginity' of these films. It had to happen eventually. Although... I am going to have to think of a new fun fact.

Any ideas?

Something a bit different: The art of being confused

Picture credit: Pinterest

So I'm trying something a bit different this week, as I've really been struggling to do something new and exciting every week (I'm sure you haven't been able to tell with the direction my posts have been taking) and I don't want to keep slacking off until I end up not writing any posts at all.
So, I'm still going to challenge myself to do something new, just maybe only once or twice a month, but I still want to really dedicate myself to this blog, so I'm going to expand out with my posts, and just take it as it comes. I don't think it will ever fit into a specific genre, but when does anything really fit completely into a label? Good metaphor for life there guys - don't let anyone box you into a category. This is going to be a little bit of everything now.

So, without further ado, here is my first post of 'something different' - about being confused.

I'm beginning to realise that the age of 22 should be the year of complete and utter confusion. I'm not even quite at that age yet, I'm flailing in between the 'being a bit tired of being 21 now' and 'no 22 is such a dead end of an age,' but I'm already struggling with the confused part. 
Earlier this year I was so excited for this year, I kind of thought that any confusion would be out of my life, just gone, because I knew where I was going. Not what I wanted to do, true, but I knew I would have my boy and our life together, and I had no confusion about that.

However, it obviously turned out that he did, and the backlash of this has plunged me deep in the confusion pool, and I haven't always been the most gracious about it. But maybe this is okay. Maybe it's where I'm meant to be. Taylor Swift even writes the lines "we're happy, free, confused and lonely, at the same time," and "in the best way," about feeling 22, and that whole song for me is about embracing that exact feeling. Embracing everything you could be doing, and everything you could be feeling. 
For me, that's part of the problem, there is just so much that I could be doing, so many choices, decisions and options. I've never been the best at making decisions. That's a bit of an understatement actually. When I thought my decision was mapped out for me I fell into that comforting feeling, I jumped at the chance that I wouldn't have to make that big of a decision again, who wouldn't?

But now is a chance for me to think for myself again. Flail willingly and stupidly and repeatedly into this confusion. 22 is the age of trying every single option until you find the right one for you. Living in 5 different cities, working every different job there is, dating a different guy each month, and not for a moment ever feeling guilty for not knowing what you want. 

A lot of 22 year olds, myself included, will have just left full time education. University was a taste of adult life and freedom, sure, but it was like those taster science lessons at school where they would show you all the things you could blow up on your desk, or burn to a crisp with a Bunsen Burner, while when you actually got started you would just be copying out lists of food groups and safety rules. Sort of like taxes. Education, even if you hate to admit it, is like a parent. Comforting, secure and maybe a bit smothering, but always there to hold your hand. Now it's just shoved you out on a tightrope with a yelled "Good luck!" that you can't quite hear for the wind trying to dash you to the ground. 

So this is me saying that I'm going to do everything I possibly can to stay on that tightrope, and I'm going to have massive doubts, and regrets, and I'm going to make the wrong choices, and I'm going to do things wrong, but that's okay. I am here in this world to be confused, at least for right now.

I'm going to end with a quote from Shanelle Kaul: (she writes another 9 reasons about how great being 22 is here) 

"22 is basically the only age you can use as leverage. Meaning that because it's the exact age between life-as-you-know-it and what will later be known as 'real life' (that's scientifically proven, of course), people expect you to make some mistakes. Mistakes like overcooking a pot-roast or dating someone who may not be right for you. And that's okay, because heck, you're just 22."

Step 6: Autumnal meal and walk

This week was quite a slow week for me, I was working long hours and am depressingly poor until payday at the end of this week, and where I live it's hard to find anything to do when you don't have much time as it takes a long time to get anywhere interesting! So this week are some more very small steps.

1. 

The first thing I did (technically last week actually) was venture out to make s new meal! My mother and I had some friends coming round - a family of 4 - and it turned out the younger sister was a recent vegan, and knowing this, I immediately headed for 'Deliciously Ella!' I immediately found an easyish looking recipe (I was cooking for 6 people, I didn't want to challenge myself too much!) of Mushroom and Chickpea stew (recipe linked here). I didn't take too many pictures of the process as I ended up being in a bit of a rush (story of my life) but I swear I have never chopped so many mushrooms in my life! There were piles and piles all over the kitchen surfaces, along with a load of chopped carrots.

It looks a bit ugly in the pictures but I swear it was really nice! Not too complicated as it just requires a lot of boiling down (I didn't quite do this stage enough, so it ended up being a bit too much liquid). The chilli powder in it actually adds more of a kick than you'd think so be a bit aware if you have family members (like my mum) who struggle with even the slightest hint of heat in a dish.

2. 

My second step of this week was actually getting myself out of the house on my day off (I have a tendency to sit in my pyjamas being a lazy lump) and going for a nice autumnal walk! It was really sunny yesterday, with a nice kick in the air, and I suppose I can admit that living in the countryside does have its benefits. 

It gave me the perfect opportunity to be alone with my own thoughts for a while (doesn't happen much where I live and work), listen to a bit of Taylor Swift (no shame, her album 'Red' is my go to for all emotions, but most of all when I'm feeling pensive) and maybe take a few cheeky selfies.

A lot of the trees aren't properly turning here yet, so not all of the colours are out in full force, but it was still really beautiful, and made me appreciate how nice and important time by myself is. Although I don't mind my job that much, it requires a constant ability to talk to people and being perennially cheerful, and I love my mum, but she often gets the brunt of the bad mood that comes upon me after 8 hours of this! This isn't fair on her, or on me, so I think I need to set aside time everyday to just come to terms with myself.

Adventure 5: I did a photoshoot!

On Saturday I got the chance to be a model for a photography friend in my village (his website is linked here) and it was so exciting and exhilarating! I have never been super happy with my body especially, or the way I look, so it was a big confidence booster as well as being really fun.

At first I was really nervous, as he showed me pictures of different poses that we were going to try - there's a lot more that goes into posing for a photo than I ever imagined! Everytime I see advertising campaigns now I notice different things that he had explained. I got to get my make up done which was really cool for me as I really love makeup, and I'm really interested in it. The makeup artist was really lovely, although her English wasn't amazing, as I would have loved her to be able to explain all the different products she was using. My eyes popped out of my head when I saw all the makeup! 

This was the first look, and I had been asked to bring an 'edgy everyday outfit,' so I was wearing  Topshop Jamie ripped black jeans, a New Look cold shoulder crop top, heeled boots from George at Asda, and my H&M leather jacket. They curled the very front bit of my hair, and I think the makeup looks a lot scarier in my selfie, as it's makeup constructed to look good on a big proper camera.

There was a whole big set up of lights and now I understand what that little clicky thing they do in front of someone's face is (it measures the light) and we did a few poses. These are the only pictures that have been released so far, but Simon, the photographer, said that I was a natural. 

There was another model there too who had done proper modelling lots of times before, so her big suitcase of fancy modelling clothes threw me off a bit and was very intimidating! For a few minutes I felt like a little kid playing dress up, as she whipped out her 1970s Dior dress, and obviously she's better at modelling than me, but I shouldn't compare us, obviously, as this was my first ever try, and I did really enjoy it! My mum said my experience on stage might have helped with my posing, but being on stage never crossed my mind when I was doing it, I just followed directions... although I guess that is like being on stage!

 

The next look we did (I didn't have loads of time as I had to run off and get a train) was more glam, Aline (the makeup artist) did a really dark smokey eye and red lipstick, and I wore a bodycon dress with cut outs at the side. (not that you can see in this picture) This one I found harder as I was worrying more about whether I looked fat (I know it's stupid, I can't help it) but the pictures so far I think look amazing! This experience was definitely pushing me out of my comfort zone, and Simon has said he would love to work with me again, which is really exciting, although I'm definitely going to work out a bit more this week... 
I'm so glad I had to courage to go through with this, and although I got slightly intimidated by the other model (her pictures are INCREDIBLE, to be fair) I think I did really well for my first go at it, considering I never ever thought I would ever get to model for anything!
I think this is a pretty exciting adventure! 

Photography credit: Simon Blower

Step 4: I went on a date

I guess this week, is kind of a big step. For me anyway, as I've been on very few official 'dates.' In the past, mostly, I've been involved with someone before we eventually go on a date. 

I think that's reasonably common at University, and at school I guess, you mostly already know the people around you, it's a pleasant little bubble of easily meeting people and new involvements. At the beginning of this year, even a few months ago, I didn't mind that I was leaving this bubble, because I had the love of my life and so why would it matter if I was leaving? I would never need to meet anyone again. So that didn't work so well for me, and I've been feeling extremely lost as I was suddenly thrown out of all of my protective bubbles - hence the inspiration behind this blog! 

Anyway, off topic - as you all (hopefully) know, my first post was about 'Tinder,' as much as I don't like to admit it, more and more people are meeting online now, and in that post I said it wasn't really for me, but right before I deleted the app a guy started talking to me, and we moved to Whatsapp (which seemed a bit less seedy). He was nice, sweet, cute, and we talked really easily, and on Saturday we went on a date. 

I was terrified. I was also slightly hungover, but that's not the point. We'd agreed a place to meet, and I was slightly earlier than he was, and when he arrived it was the hilarious scenario of us both knowing that we were in the same area, walking circuits around as we'd never actually met each before. If I was more comically inclined it could have been gold. Eventually we found each other, and we went to a very typical Oxford pub and had a couple of drinks, and if I'm being totally honest, the first hour, I was counting down to a time where I could feasibly say I had to go. That sounds really mean. Just in that moment I realised I was absolutely not ready for this, and there was no immediate spark for me. But after a while, I really relaxed, and it was a truly lovely date. We never ran out of stuff to say to each other, and he was interesting and a nice guy, and it would have ticked all the boxes of what you ask for from a date. He kissed me at the bus stop, and everything was comfortable, and pretty normal.

But I don't think I'm ready. I'm not ready for a lot of things. But I'm glad I went, if only that it showed me that I'm not ready, and I should wait for something amazing again, and wait til I know I'm in the right place in myself to commit to it. Right now, I need to rediscover myself, because otherwise I'll just be grasping at something for validation, and I really need to learn to validate myself.

I guess, some steps might be steps backwards, but they still always teach you something. 

Adventure 3: "The Only Thing Better Than Hairspray...."

In the task of being completely honest with this blog (and youuu) I really struggled this week! Not just with doing something new (although with crazy hours at work this is really hard!) but also just with my emotions. No matter how many people tell you that he's not worth crying about, sometimes you just need to cry anyway.

I was really worried about what I would write on (hence the slightly late post - apologies) but my friend accidentally came to my rescue and invited me last minute to see.... Hairspray! The national tour is where I live at the moment and she had a spare ticket! As she messaged me 5 minutes before she had to pick me up, it was an entirely spontaneous decision on my part, and I'm not going to lie, I'm quite proud of myself, for making the decision in the first place, and for choosing the more exciting option. There was a part of me that really wanted to stay at home in my pyjamas after being at work, but I didn't - and that must be some sort of step for me.

What I Thought:

• I'm a massive fan of the film so I found I was anticipating a lot of things before they were happening and was kind of subconciously comparing it at all times, which isn't really fair considering a show and a film are going to be completely different.
• I think there were a few problems with the set as it was opening night in this location, but they managed to smooth them out by the second act.
• The energy for me was the main thing! All the numbers and dances and just the characters themselves (as some of them are pretty ridiculous) required insane amounts of energy and I think this was something definitely achieved, by the final number (You Can't Stop the Beat) I was feeling that I really wanted to just be on stage dancing away. Unfortunately, I can't dance...
• Some of the 'white' characters (this being a show about segregation/integration) I found actually worked better in the film? This might just be me but some of the characters are really quite weird (such as Penny Pingleton and her mother) and I felt quite uncomfortable with some of their interactions on stage, rather than amused. Especially in the song Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now which is not included in the film, and which was one of the numbers I didn't particularly enjoy.
• Standout songs: 
• You're Timeless to Me (Edna and Wilbur Turnblad) their interactions were so adorable and they played their parts wonderfully, especially in this scene. Despite Edna obviously being an overly theatrical part, this scene was delightfully played down in my opinion, which made it a lot more charming to see.
• I Know Where I've Been (Motormouth Maybelle) Oh. My. Goodness. Brenda Edwards can you sing!!! This was pure vocal heaven, with all the emotion behind it, and I don't even want to go into it. Just know, it was amazing, and I almost cried at the intensity.
• You Can't Stop the Beat (Everyone!) Already one of my favourites, the energy of this one just brought down the house as the entire cast managed to dance to the whole thing (they must have been exhausted by this point!) and even got the audience involved as well, which lets not lie... we secretly all wanted to just be a part of it! 
• Standout character: Seaweed (Dex Lee). Just all around great and convincing at everything, charming and also...crazily muscled legs! 

I definitely enjoyed the second act more than the first (all of my favourite musical numbers being from this act) and I can't exactly pinpoint why, I think maybe there was just too much crammed into the first act (which is obviously no fault of this particular company) and some bits I found excruciatingly awkward. Overall though, a wonderful evening, and I'm really glad I took the plunge and went so spontaneously! 

‘Adventure’ Step 2:

So, this week wasn't as much of an 'adventure' (that will be my task for next week, so I have something to aim for!) as I went back to work, and it was just a step for me to get into a normal routine of this life I now have to live. I'd like to think, even though it wasn't a big one, I did make a step this week, and I've decided on 5 things I did this week that have helped me towards it.

• I wrote a cover letter by myself, and completed a job application!

This might not be a big deal to many of you, and I'm sure one day, it won't be a big deal to me either, it will just be something that I do. Maybe daily. (Lets hope not daily) But this week, for me, this is a definite step. For the first time I wrote a cover letter without making my (ex) boyfriend write a lot of it for me, I didn't constantly refer back to Guardian tips on writing effectively, and I wrote it all in one go. Okay, that last one is a lie, it may have taken me a few days, but the first two have to count for something! Things just sound better in threes...

• I baked! 

I have always wanted to be one of those girls who can just bake anything effortlessly, and just whips out perfectly fluffy and beautifully decorated cupcakes at any occasion, and to be brutally honest...it's something I really need to work on! I don't think I'm a natural baker, but I think a lot of this stems from my unbelief in myself (and my unwillingness to do it in front of other people, in case I go wrong). This week, I found a recipe that didn't require me to go shopping (no butter or eggs recipe!) and they turned out amazing! The icing needed more work but hey, one step at a time. Recipe HERE.

• I went to a Boxercise class (and literally, figuratively died.)

I have wanted to try boxing for exercise for months, and have never got round to it. There was a class really near where I live, so I decided to give it a go. I wore someone else's really smelly (like, really. Stale sweat smell is not the one) gloves, I did some boxing stances (I may suck at them right now, but I have faith that I will get there) and there was a lot of cardio (hence the dying). There was constant running, punching, situps, skipping and planking for almost an hour, and it was brutal, but when it was over, I felt amazing. I had muddled and forced my way through something really hard, which means I can do it again, and means if I'm determined, I can get through anything. (That's what I'm going to tell myself anyway.

• I had a pamper session.

This is something I very rarely make time for, being of the mind that if I have time to have a bath, I should be doing something else, but on Friday I woke up so unbelievably exhausted and mentally drained, that it was truly necessary. I had a Lush Bath Ballistic, a face mask, a good book, good music, I cleansed my face, had bubbles, and a lovely relax. Something I need to make more time for is just, time for myself. I don't always have to 'on,' even though it helps me forget how I'm feeling, sometimes it's important to just let yourself feel those feelings. Believe me, they flipping hurt, but they're going to hurt at some point, I have to work on not pushing them down so much that they almost explode. It's okay to have a cry, and it's okay to look after yourself.

• I cut off contact with my ex.

This was my biggest struggle of the week. Although I technically cut off contact the day after we broke up, I still had the (now unnamed) number in my recently called, and I knew that. So at the beginning of this week, I had broken, and I had texted him, and we were talking a bit. And I thought that was what I wanted. But it wasn't. You can never tell what something means to another person, and I realised that what was happening meant a lot more to me than it did to him, and it meant something in a different way. While I was getting my hopes up, to him we were just friends, something which I am not ready for, and something that I don't think I'm in the state to deal with now, I'm not in that place. So after a big conversation/argument, I did it. I deleted every single remnant of him on my phone, and it was so hard. I left a voicemail explaining how I felt, but I don't think you ever manage to say everything you want to. There is probably a lot more I could say to him, but that doesn't mean I should. Maybe it's always the case that there are words left unsaid, and words that are left that way for a reason. This is a massive step for me, as I struggle with letting things go, even things that are causing me pain, and although I still think of him a lot, I think I'm beginning to move forward.

This week may not seem as exciting, but I think any step is progress! Up that mountain we go!

Also if you want to see the list I have haphazardly put together of things I'm going do, check out the new page over there -----> (called 'The List.')

'Adventure' 1: Tinder

So, at some point last year, a few of my friends and I downloaded Tinder as a joke, to have a competition of who could get the most matches (my friend won only as another friend stole her phone and 'swiped right' on every guy in a 50 mile radius), we had a few laughs, mostly all deleted it, and didn't really think of it again.

But it was actually one of my first thoughts, as I began to adjust to being single. (*Ahem* - still not adjusted).

Something that I really miss about being in a relationship is having someone to talk to all the time - someone to tell about the random things that happen one evening, and just know that you can go on your phone and text any time of the day. So I decided to redownload Tinder.

After a few failed attempts, with the app refusing to let me log in (why do you have to log in with Facebook? I don't want to know if some guy knows someone I barely knew when I was 16?), I finally got it to work. I've been using it now for a total of 5 days. Below are my first impressions, and occurrences.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Only one creepy guy from the offset ('Nice glowsticks ;)' referring to a picture where I had glowsticks in my top) and whom which I ignored. I was pleasantly surprised by the effort many guys put into their opening lines.

2) This dissipated quickly, as guys who appeared to be genuinely interested lost this interest if you didn't mention sex from the off, and suddenly interrupted a nice, amicable conversation with the wish of "wanting to f*** you."  

3) It's effective for a quick self-esteem boost.

4) It's reeeeeally hard not to be shallow. I attempted not to be when swiping, I clicked on each person's profile, studied each picture, read the bio, and tried to swipe right on a variety of people. However, as soon as I was matched with absolutely all of them, I seriously lost interest (I know, I'm a hypocrite) as I just couldn't pretend I found them attractive.

5) I muddled my way through chatting with the most hipster guy I have ever spoken to in my life, and had to google several of the things he mentioned in order not to sound completely stupid. However, I'm still suspicious at least one of those things was invented in order to catch me out. I'm not designed to be hipster. I just can't take it seriously. Nor can I blag my way through anything.

6) Also, I just don't have the banter for this. Honestly, in my bio it says "I'm not funny enough for this," and they all took it as a charming joke, and I was going to knock their socks off with my hilarious wit, but I was being totally, utterly honest. The only time I'm funny is when I say something accidentally, or when I say something really, really stupid. I can't banter. Note to anyone considering Tinder - work on banter skills.

7) The shallowness of it hit me again, as I got considerably less matches as soon as I removed a picture of me with visible cleavage, and replaced it with a happy picture of me and my friends on a beach. What's wrong with the beach, huh??

8) To be honest...It just isn't fulfilling what I want it to. It's probably too soon, but I'm already insufferably bored by it. Replying to the messages has become a chore, none of the conversations are flowing particularly, and despite several invites to drinks, coffee, and 'more', I am in no way tempted by any of them. One guy I feel slightly sorry for, I think I may be his only match and I don't mean to hurt his feelings by not replying to his offer of a drink. I just can't think of a witty excuse. Honestly though, it's not you, it's me. 

In conclusion, I think this was a bad one to start with! I'm not ready, and even if I was, I think I'd choose a different medium of meeting someone. I guess I'm a tad old-fashioned?

See you next week!

To sum it up....

Image Source

Hello everyone,

My name is Rhianna, I'm 21, I've just graduated with a degree in English Literature, I've just been broken up with, and I'm at a completely new and unfamiliar crossroads in my life. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I should be doing, what I want to be doing, what I could be doing - there's a lot of things I don't know.

Throughout my life there have been things I've been pretty bad at - number one (I would say) - is the art of making decisions. I just can't do it. Small decisions, big decisions - they all prove almost impossible for me to make. I'm also not great at being by myself, trying new things, and not relying on other people.
So this is my experiment. I'm going to try some new things, and I'm going to try and survive - and maybe flourish, who knows? - by being on my own.

My first post will be up on Sunday - and it will be about my venture into the world of Tinder. (I know, even looking at the word makes me cringe a bit, too) My first impressions, setbacks, and funny moments, that have all occurred in the past few days.

I'm new at the blogging thing (if you couldn't tell) but I'm going to try and make a separate page with my 'list' (that sounds ominous) so everyone can see it - and please, if you have suggestions - let me know!

Keep an eye out on Sunday!
See you soon,